Blogs for Your Marriage

Why Your Communication Might Be Failing

Why Your Communication Might Be Failing

You may not be aware of this, but much of the fighting you might be doing likely has its roots in poor communication. Because of its prevalence, we want to share some of the most common issues that make communication ineffective.

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Conflict Strategies That Don’t Work in Your Marriage

Conflict Strategies That Don’t Work in Your Marriage

When it comes to conflict in my marriage, I will be honest and tell you that our first several years of marriage were rough. My sweet husband was very conflict-avoidant and felt like every argument was the beginning of the end. I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I had no problem running head-on into conflict and was known to start much of it.

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If you want to maintain or regain romance in your marriage after having kids, you’re going to have to be intentional about it. A little creativity won’t hurt either!

Practical tips to help keep the romance alive after kids

This may be an unpopular opinion, but if you want to keep the romance in your marriage, you must prioritize your marriage over your kids.

Here’s why:

  • Your kids will eventually grow up and leave, but your spouse is meant to be with you forever.
  • The best gift you can give your kids is the example of a healthy marriage.
  • A healthy marriage makes you better parents and helps you parent as a team.
Keep the Romance Alive After Kids

Don’t worry, your kids still get plenty of love and care. They need food, shelter, safety, and all the love in the world, but they also need to see Mom and Dad loving one another well. They will have so much more peace when they know you two are ok and their home is not at risk of falling apart.

You will also need to share the workload. Regardless of how you choose to run your family and divide up household duties, the truth is, where exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed are present, romance is not. You both need to do your share in running the house and supporting each other. The good news is you get to do what works for you, just don’t keep doing what doesn’t. 

Another way to foster romance is by engaging in healthy, open, and honest communication. If you don’t have emotional intimacy that is obtained through vulnerable communication, then it will be challenging to have physical intimacy. 

Let’s wrap this up with the obvious and that’s prioritizing regular date nights. 83-84% of married couples who have regular date nights report being very happy in their marriage. You may have to be intentional, but setting aside dedicated time for date nights will benefit your marriage and keep you connected as a couple. 

If you want an easy-peasy way to do this as parents, where you don’t even need to find a sitter, then let us help you out with a FREE Happily Date Box. It’s completely on us, aside from the $7.99 shipping. It’s a perfect way for busy parents to still have intentional time together. Happily does the planning and you just go out to your doorstep and grab your box! 

4 Sure Fire Ways to Ruin Date Night

If you’ve been married any length of time, especially if you have children, then you know that planning a date night is not as simple as it once was while you were dating. Since it’s hard enough to get a date night on the books, the last thing you want to do is ruin it when you’re on one!

So, you’d be wise to take note of these 4 things that can ruin a date night:

Let’s start by stating the obvious and go with the importance of staying off your phone. This means don’t pick it up, don’t look at it, and certainly don’t use it. If you’ve got kids at home and need to be reachable for them or on call for something important, make sure you can hear it and keep it hidden. This lets your spouse know you are their priority and want uninterrupted time together. 

Even something as simple as having your phone on the table at a restaurant says, “I’m paying attention to you now, but the second that little thing makes a noise, I’m out.” Your best bet is to put it down, silence it, and keep it out of sight. 

Another way to ruin a date night is to talk about problems. This isn’t the time to vent about work, complain about the kids, or point out how your spouse needs to start loading the dishwasher correctly. Bringing up negative things on a date night quickly kills the mood during your time together. Keep in mind that these things are important to talk about, just not on a date.

One more buzzkill to a great night out is to be too self-focused. Try to ask your spouse questions instead of just talking about yourself. Need some help? Check out 5 Questions to Ask Your Spouse When You’ve Run Out of Things to Say. Don’t only ask good questions but also focus on being a good listener. This way, by the end of the night, your spouse will feel seen, heard, and cared for. 

Lastly, not prioritizing your date nights will for sure make them flop. Your night doesn’t have to be perfect, but showing your spouse they matter by prioritizing time with them and putting some effort into planning goes a long way. If you struggle in the ideas department but want to prioritize date night, then we have a gift for you!

We want to give you a FREE Happily Date Box! All you need to do is use code EXPEDITIONMARRIAGE and pay $7.99 for shipping, and you will be on your way to a fun night filled with connection. Get yours today!

We live in a society where it’s not uncommon to hear about the great need for sex that men have. But the truth is that God designed sex for both husbands and wives, and how much or how little they each desire sex can be varied. It is true that more men statistically have higher sex drives than their wives, but in 1 out of every 4 marriages, it’s the wife who has the higher drive. 

What do you do in this stigmatized situation that feels like things are backward?

As a woman with a higher sex drive, it’s likely that your first instinct is to wonder why you’re not desirable to your husband. This form of thinking is self-protective and likely not even close to being the reality of the situation.

There are many reasons why our sex drives are different, and they’re usually not related to our spouse’s attractiveness. It’s actually far more likely for a wife not to have sex with her husband for this reason than it is the other way around. But constantly asking your husband if he’s attracted to you or questioning why he isn’t will not head you in the direction you’d like to go.

For starters, mismatched sex drives are entirely normal. When it can become a problem is when there are sudden drops in libido, slow fades because you’re disconnected as a couple, or when other health issues or aging are factors. Some of these can be addressed and fixed, and others you can learn to adjust to in beautiful and healthy ways. The couple affected by chronic pain, medical issues, or just the aging couple can all still have great sex.

 

Here are some insights and practical tips to foster a healthy and satisfying intimate connection when sex drives differ:


  1. Open and Honest Communication:
    Good communication is important when it comes to the health of a marriage, especially when it comes to physical connection. Good communication leads to emotional connection, which often leads to physical connection. Believe it or not, husbands want emotional connection, too.
higher sex drive

    You also need to have an open and honest conversation with your husband about your respective needs, desires, and expectations. Create a safe space where both of you can express your feelings without judgment. Make inquiries about health, his mental and physical state, stress levels, or any obstacles that may decrease his libido. Determine if he’s worried about it or if he feels your sex drive is just higher. 

    1. Understand Each Other’s Perspectives:
      Take the time to understand each other’s perspectives on intimacy. Acknowledge that everyone’s libido is unique, and factors such as stress, health, and personal experiences can influence it. Understanding one another’s point of view will foster empathy and strengthen your emotional connection.
      If your husband says it’s not a lack of desire for you, believe him. If you disregard how he really feels, you will likely make him feel inadequate or defective in some way. Remember, a lower sex drive for him can be entirely normal and does not signify a problem, so it’s important to make him feel like he is not flawed in this area.
    1. Prioritize Quality Over Quantity:
      Focus on letting quality trump quantity when it comes to intimacy. Instead of focusing solely on frequency, concentrate on the quality of your intimate moments. Ensure that both of you feel emotionally connected and satisfied, regardless of the frequency. When you are physically intimate, be fully present and make the most out of it. 
    1. Schedule Intimacy:
      While it may sound unromantic, scheduling intimacy can be a practical solution to ensure that both partners’ needs are met. This approach allows for anticipation and planning, creating a dedicated space for intimate connection amidst busy schedules. At the end of the day, we schedule and make room for the things that are important to us.

    5. Seek Professional Guidance:
    If the differences in sexual desire become a significant source of tension, consider seeking the guidance of a marriage counselor. Professionals can provide insights, tools, and strategies to navigate these challenges and enhance intimacy.

    6. Address Potential Underlying Issues:
    If there are potential medical reasons or other underlying issues, such as stress, hormonal imbalances, or unresolved marriage issues, address them. Get hormones checked, see the doctor together, or get counseling. Your marriage is worth it.

    7. Focus on Overall Relationship Health:Remember that a healthy intimate life is just one aspect of a thriving relationship. Focus on nurturing other aspects of your connection, such as emotional intimacy, communication, and shared activities. A well-rounded relationship can contribute to a more fulfilling and harmonious marriage.

     

    Navigating a situation where you have a higher sex drive requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to explore new approaches.

    By fostering open communication and mutual respect, you can create a space where both of you feel valued and satisfied in your intimate connection. Remember, it’s about finding a balance that works for both of you and enhances the overall well-being of your relationship. Mismatched sex drives don’t have to be a problem to be solved. They can often be an opportunity to connect in so many other ways.

    Want more Christian Marriage content? Check out the Expedition Marriage Podcast with Chris and Jamie Bailey.

    Do you feel like you are all alone in your marriage?

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    Your marriage is a sacred bond, and integrating your faith into the daily fabric of your relationship as believers in Jesus is essential. Following the teachings of Jesus and incorporating His presence into your marriage will deepen your connection and provide a spiritual foundation for your marriage. 

    If you want to incorporate some practical and meaningful ways to include Jesus in your marriage on a daily basis, here’s where you can start:

    Practical and Meaningful Ways to Include Jesus in Your Marriage Daily

    Start the Day with Prayer: How you begin your day matters, and when you start by inviting Jesus into your marriage through prayer, you’re giving your marriage the best place to launch from. This can be as simple as a shared moment where you express gratitude, seek guidance, and ask for blessings in your relationship. Praying in unity will set a positive tone for the day and reinforce your commitment to having a Christ-centered marriage.

    Read and Reflect on Scripture Together: Take time each day to read and reflect on passages from the Bible together. This can be a shared devotional time where you discuss the teachings of Jesus and how they apply to your lives as a couple. Whether you’re a newlywed or not, we recommend the Newlywed Couples Devotional as a great resource to discuss scripture together and practically apply it to your marriage. You can also choose scriptures that resonate with your current experiences and challenges or share a daily Psalm or Proverb with one another. 

    Attend Church Services Together: Regular attendance at church gives you a shared spiritual experience for the week. Worshiping together and engaging in community can strengthen your connection to your faith and to each other. Corporate gatherings in the church also create a sense of community and give you support as a couple. 

    Pray for Each Other and Your Marriage: Daily pray for your spouse and your marriage. Lift each other up in prayer, asking for strength, wisdom, and God’s blessings. This practice fosters a sense of unity and demonstrates a commitment to supporting each other spiritually. Don’t know where to start? Check out the free 30 Day Praying for Your Husband  or Wife challenge!

    Practice Gratitude Together: Cultivate an attitude of gratitude within your marriage. Take time each day to express appreciation for your spouse and the blessings in your life. Focus on and acknowledge what your spouse does right each day instead of on any flaws they have or mistakes they make. 

    Incorporating Jesus into your marriage daily will transform your marriage

    By weaving prayer, scripture, and Christian values into your daily relationship, you will create a foundation that will withstand the tests of time. Remember, the consistent, intentional efforts to include Jesus are what will strengthen your marriage and bring you closer to each other and to God.

    30 Day Praying for your Wife Challenge

     

    Husbands...Men, if you’re ready to impact your wife's life and encourage her to become
    all that God has created her to be, then you're in the right place!

    30 Day Praying for your Husband Challenge

     

    Wives, if you’re ready to impact your husband’s life and encourage him to become
    all that God has created him to be, then you're in the right place!

    Marriage is a journey that is filled with both challenges and victories. While some level of conflict is normal and healthy in any relationship, there are certain signs—red flags—that should not be overlooked. Recognizing these warning signs is crucial if you want to have a healthy and thriving marriage.

    Watch Out for these Red Flags

    Lack of Communication:

    Communication is foundational for a strong marriage. When open, honest communication isn’t present and important conversations become challenging, it may be a sign that deeper issues are present. Pay attention to avoidance of topics or persistent misunderstandings because those are traits that can lead to emotional disconnection.

    Lack of Intimacy:

    Physical and emotional intimacy are integral components of a thriving marriage. If you’re experiencing a decline in affection, emotional closeness, or interest in each other’s lives, then your marriage needs some attention and exploration to figure out what is happening. A lack of intimacy will eat away at your marriage. 

    A Lack of Trust

    Trust is the bedrock of a healthy relationship. Signs of suspicion, jealousy, secrecy, or broken promises should not be ignored. If you can’t trust your spouse, you will have nothing to build your relationship on. Addressing trust issues when they first come up is essential to prevent the erosion of the foundation upon which your marriage is built.

    A Lack of Peace:

    While disagreements are natural, persistent and unresolved conflicts that remove the peace in your marriage can be detrimental. Constant arguing, an inability to resolve issues, or the recurrence of old problems are red flags that should serve as a clue that you need to start seeking help in finding constructive solutions. Unresolved and repetitive conflict leads to even more disconnection. 

    A Lack of Safety:

    Any form of abuse, whether emotional or physical, is a serious red flag that should never be tolerated. Seeking professional help and creating a safety plan are crucial steps in addressing abuse within a marriage. It’s never okay to be yelled at, name-called, gaslighted, controlled, or physically harmed. If your marriage fits in this category, check out this podcast episode, Enough is Enough.  

    If you ignore red flags in your marriage, you are inviting in resentment

    If resentment is present, it won’t be long until things start falling apart at a rapid pace. Resentment is like poison for your marriage and can only be tolerated for so long. 

    While these red flags serve as warning signs, it’s important to remember that every marriage is unique, and all couples face challenges differently. Addressing issues when they come up through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to seek professional help when needed can help you navigate the struggles of your marriage and help you build a resilient, fulfilling, God-honoring marriage.

    Your marriage is meant to give God glory, be a good example of love for your children, friends, and family, and be a supportive, loving lifelong partnership, and it’s okay to want it to be all of that. 

    If you see any of these red flags, check out our Restoring Connection Course   or our How to L.O.V.E. Your Way Through Conflict Course. 

    I don’t know about you, but one of my greatest blessings is supporting my husband in becoming all God made him to be. That’s why I want him to know these things, and I hope you make sure your husband knows them, too.

    3 things your husband needs to know

    3 Things Your Husband Needs to Know

    1. He is allowed to fail.

    Men can have such a great fear of failure, so much so that it holds them back in life. You may not know this, but if there’s a risk of failure, many men won’t even try. Their fear of failure is not something they will usually tell you, but it is a reason behind some of their lack of change or repeatedly pulling back from things. Ultimately, if they fail, they believe that they themselves are a failure. 

    It’s good to let your husband know that you support him in his failures. Beyond that, I always remind my husband that failure is only possible if he quits; everything else is part of the learning curve of growth. I want him to know that I will still be there for him no matter what.

    2. You Support Him

    You also want him to know that you support him going for it, whatever “it” is.  This can be difficult because wives tend to be a little more risk-averse. I know I am! Safety and security are something many wives long for from their husbands, and if we’re honest, some of the things they want to do feel a bit too risky for us.

    While this doesn’t mean you need to approve of every exciting thing he wants to go after, it does mean you need to let him know that you’ll pursue dreams and risks with him. Let him take some risks because those risks often pay off the most, and your belief in him matters a lot. 

    3.You See His Potential

    Lastly, make sure he knows about all the potential you see in him. Let him know that you want more for him and that you don’t want him to settle for being anything less than God made him to be. 

    When your husband is dealing with the fear of failure or when he’s feeling inadequate, there’s nothing better for him than you calling out his potential, showing your belief in him, and cheering him on. What you think of him matters far more than you might know or than he might ever lead on.

    Ensure he knows he can try and fail, and you will still cheer him on.

    Don’t just let him, but also want him to take risks and not be led by fear. Have a desire for him to know that his effort will always mean more to you than his results. 

    If you want to hear more on this topic, check out the Expedition Marriage podcast, Episode 85, What Exactly is a Help Mate? 

    Before my husband and I became followers of Jesus, we spent zero time praying over our marriage and one another. Every type of healing or help we tried to find came through some very white knuckles. It was exhausting. Trying to control your tongue, have patience, and be supportive in a trial are very difficult without the help and power of the Holy Spirit. 

    The truth is—When you don’t pray for your marriage, you get the results of what you can do. When you do pray, you get the results of what God can do. And let me tell you, there’s a difference. 

    Marriage requires a lot of supernatural power. Without God’s help, we’re only going to thrive so much. We need His help with all of the patience, grace, perseverance, steadfast love, wisdom, humility, and willingness to grow that marriage requires of us—to name a few things!

    Therefore, one of the best things you can do for your marriage is to pray constantly. Ask for the Lord’s help. Ask for His wisdom that He promises to pour out abundantly on you. (James 1:5) Let His love flow freely into you so it can flow freely into your spouse through you.

    God is always there, ready to provide, and our marriages need all the support they can get nowadays. There’s no need to let your white knuckles or pride get in the way of seeking the Lord’s help.

    Simple ways to seek God’s help through prayer.

     

    • Pray for the protection of your marriage every day.
    • Pray for the Lord to reveal any areas where you need to grow or change. 
    • Pray for the Holy Spirit to work in the life of your spouse.
    • Pray for God’s will to be done in your lives as individuals and as a couple. 
    • Pray for your marriage to be used for His glory. 

     

    If you want more ways to pray for one another, check out our free 30 Day Praying for Your Husband or Wife Challenge!

    30 Day Praying for your Wife Challenge

     

    Husbands...Men, if you’re ready to impact your wife's life and encourage her to become
    all that God has created her to be, then you're in the right place!

    30 Day Praying for your Husband Challenge

     

    Wives, if you’re ready to impact your husband’s life and encourage him to become
    all that God has created him to be, then you're in the right place!

    Do you have any goals for your marriage? Have you ever sat down and talked about where you’d like to be as a married couple years down the road? When we were first married, we always wanted to grow old together and be that cute little couple you see holding hands while on a walk or sitting across the table laughing with one another. We could see ourselves all wrinkled and thriving in love. 

    We’ve had many goals through the years; some were to make more money, to have a certain number of kids, to buy a home, to get careers we wanted, and to be in better shape. You name it, we’ve probably dreamt of achieving it.

    But the truth is, goals don’t get you anywhere. Goals without good habits, anyway.

    Habits are where it’s at when you have big things you want to accomplish in life, and I’m assuming a happy and thriving marriage is one of those things.  Your marriage will only be as good as your habits, so you must be sure you have some good ones!

    Things to incorporate DAILY into your marriage :

    Acknowledge one another when you wake up, leave, reunite, and go to bed. Say good morning, offer up a goodbye and hello kiss, and an I love you before bed. These are simple but profound ways to prioritize your spouse.

    Offer your help. Grab a towel and help dry the dishes, offer to bathe the kids, or tidy up a cluttered space. Be a helpful contributor in your marriage. It’s great to have divided tasks and household duties, but it’s also great to do some of the things that aren’t on your list but on theirs. Practice serving one another selflessly habitually. 

    Pray individually and together. Ask the Lord to use you in your marriage every day. Ask Him to grow you as a husband or wife and pray together for your marriage. Many studies have shown that couples who pray together daily have a less than 1% divorce rate. It just doesn’t get much better than that! Check out this 30 Day Praying for Your Husband Challenge to up your prayer time! 

    Get in the Word. Seek God and grow as a child of God. He has the best plan for you and your marriage, but if you never check in with Him or get to know Him, His best plan will also be left unknown. He is the Creator of marriage and knows exactly what it takes to succeed. He’s also the one who knows you and your spouse better than anyone. The more time you spend with Him, the more clearly you will hear Him. 

     

    Ultimately, you must have good daily habits if you want a marriage that will last through the years. The little things done with consistency will keep you heading in the direction you want to go. 

    When I was a little girl growing up in a dysfunctional family, I struggled to feel loved. It seemed as if love had to be earned, and for whatever reason, I just kept missing the mark. 

    I remember countless times trying to earn this seemingly unobtainable love… I would sneak over to the neighbors with scissors in hand and cut off their roses that I knew they worked hard to grow so I could bring them home to my mom, letting her know that I had found them in the road and definitely not in our neighbor’s yard. Once, I took a can of red spray paint and scribed a giant “I LOVE YOU MOM” across the back of our house. Needless to say, this did not get the outcome I had craved.

    The Pains of Desperation

    As I grew, I continued to make poor choices on my hunt for love. As it turns out, a lack of love creates a lot of desperation, and desperation begs for bad decisions to be made.

    Love is meant to be a sacrificial gift we give, and the truth is, we just can’t make others willingly give it, no matter what lengths we go to to try.

    This is a painful pill to swallow. 

    This sacrificial and fulfilling love is supposed to be part of marriage, but not all marriages have it. And when love is missing, desperate decisions begin to be made. Desperation of love in a marriage can often lead to a lot of unhealthy things like:

    • Settling
    • Tolerance
    • People pleasing
    • Rationalization
    • Passivity….
    • And maybe even adultery.

    The problem is that those things never bring us closer to real love. At best, they temporarily ease the pain with an untrustworthy and fraudulent love. 

    When love has to be manipulated, it is not love at all. 


    I watched the mom, whom I was so desperate to love me, try to earn love out of her desperation. She allowed alcoholism to run rampant in our home without consequence. She disregarded abuse in avoidance as an effort to pretend it wasn’t happening. She excused a lack of love from my stepfather as if there was something wrong with her instead of him. 

    She waited. She avoided. She scrambled in anxiety. She lied to herself, hoping that love was just right around the corner, simply waiting for the perfect setup to be ushered in. 

    are you feeling desperate for love?

    A marriage filled with lies, deception, tolerance, unaddressed addiction, abuse, hopelessness, avoidance, or even mediocrity is not a marriage with real love. It’s a marriage with a desperate, fraudulent love. It’s the enemy’s ploy to twist the truth once again. 

    A Difficult Balance

    So, back to this tough pill – Love is meant to be a sacrificial gift we give, and the truth is, we just can’t make others willingly give it, no matter what lengths we go to to try.

    By no means does any of this mean your marriage is over or has no real chance at love because that is also false. We serve a God who redeems, repairs, restores, and who can make all things new. But we will never get on the path of restoration through the avenue of denial that desperation sets us on. 

    Real love is sacrificial and freely given. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”  Romans 5:8 

    We are called to love sacrificially in our marriages, but we must remember that sacrificial love isn’t meant to make us doormats who tolerate horrible behavior or mediocrity. Our sacrificial love is meant to be for a higher purpose, just as Christ’s was, to give Him glory and show the world who He is. A miserable or mediocre marriage will never do that if it’s left as it is. 

    This sacrificial love in marriage is designed to be a two-way street. If your marriage is not displaying real love and your heart is overcome with anxiety and desperation, it’s time to make some changes before your desperation leads you to places you never want to go. 

    Jesus can help you with that, and so can we if you need us to. Let the real love of Christ lead you on the right path, and reach out if this blog resonates with you.

    Have you ever been in a hard season where most of your prayers are spent asking God to intervene and do something to stop your suffering? Maybe you’re pleading with Him to fix you… fix your circumstances… fix your marriage.

    I have certainly had times in my life just like that. As I’ve been dealing with some health issues, I’m in one of those seasons right now. The human heart can grow weary in suffering; not one of us is immune to that weariness.

    Being in this place, I was recently drawn to a podcast episode by a fellow therapist titled “Is Hope Reasonable?” As a believer, I know this answer. Because Jesus died on the cross and rose from the grave on the third day, hope is possible and reasonable to believe in. But this episode took the encouragement of hope a step further by speaking to the weary heart that had been burned before. The one with the heart that struggles to believe in hope even when they do know it exists. The heart that says, “I know you can, God, but I’m scared that you won’t.”

    And if we’re honest, I think we’ve all been there before. The place where you fully believe in the sovereignty of God but also your humanness fears that His sovereignty doesn’t align with your desires. 

    Halfway through this episode, when talking about this weary place we can find ourselves in, where hope feels so vulnerable to grasp, a Walter Brueggeman quote was shared about what life without hope can be like.

    He said, “Life becomes a dissatisfied coping, a grudging trust, and a managing that dares never ask too much.”

    Are you gritting your teeth and just getting by, pouring out every ounce of effort to trust God, or perhaps you’re withholding your true request because you fear the answer is no?

    Maybe you’re in a place where you know that God can heal you but are worried that He won’t.

    Maybe you’re where you desperately need God to intervene, or your marriage is over. 

    Maybe you’re in a place where everything has been so hard for so long, and you’re unsure if you or your marriage can ever be put back together.

    A place where hope is unsure or even scary.

    First of all, if this is where you’re at, I’m so sorry. That is a hard place to be. 

    But second, the answer to the original question, Is Hope reasonable? is yes. Yes, hope is reasonable! Not just the “risen from the grave” hope, as if that wasn’t enough, but the “God spoke and created the world” kind of hope, too. 

    It’s as simple and profound as this; the Creator can still create.

    He doesn’t just fix broken things; He creates brand-new ones.  And, just as He created the world, He can create something marvelous in you or your marriage, and He can create it from nothing, from absolute scratch!

    God is the ultimate Creator, and I think it’s time to start not only believing He can create brand new in your life but also asking Him to do so. Maybe you’ve lost a little hope because your suffering has been so long, or maybe it seems impossible that goodness could ever be found. 

    But let me tell you, let me tell myself, that hope is reasonable. And in our desperation or despair, just as He brought light into what once was complete darkness, God can always make something brand new, even if all we give Him to work with is our desperation and despair.

    I sure hope that today you will take the risk in believing in hope, hope for your salvation, but also hope in having the Creator who can take whatever situation you’re in and not just fix it but make it entirely new.

    May His will and power of creation be evident in your life and marriage today!

     

    Remember This When All Hope Feels Lost

    Marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals, and if you’re wise, one BIG God. 

    At one point, you were once two people from different walks of life who came together to build a life filled with love, trust, and friendship. Along the way, you may have discovered that a strong and lasting marriage is not a result of luck, chance, or even desire; but rather a requirement of continuous effort made by both of you to nurture and grow your relationship.

    Remembering this is a very important thing:
    “It’s easier to build a strong marriage than it is to fix a broken one.”
    And if a strong marriage is what you’re desiring, then you will need these key ingredients:

    Communication: The Pillar of Connection

    Communication is essential for any successful marriage. Effective communication involves both speaking and listening. It is vital to openly express your thoughts, feelings, and concerns while actively listening to your partner’s perspective. Honest and respectful communication fosters understanding and prevents misunderstandings, often leading to conflicts.

    Trust and Honesty: The Bedrock of a Strong Marriage

    Trust is the foundation upon which a strong marriage is built. Trusting one another creates a sense of emotional safety, allowing both of you to be vulnerable and authentic. Honesty goes hand in hand with trust; it is necessary that you are both truthful and transparent with one another, even when circumstances or situations become difficult.

    Emotional Support: Being Each Other’s Rock

    In a strong marriage, you are to be an emotional support system for one another. Life inevitably brings challenges; having a partner who can offer empathy, compassion, and encouragement can make all the difference. Celebrating each other’s achievements and providing a shoulder to lean on during tough times cultivates a deep emotional bond.

    Compromise and Flexibility: Navigating Differences

    Every individual brings their unique perspectives and experiences to a marriage. Learning to compromise and be flexible is crucial in resolving conflicts and finding common ground. It’s important to understand that you won’t always see eye-to-eye, but a strong marriage involves respecting each other’s opinions and finding solutions together.

    Shared Goals and Values: A Unified Vision

    Couples with shared goals and values are likelier to build a strong marriage. Creating a shared vision for the future, especially one rooted in God’s will, gives your marriage a bigger purpose. Having common objectives and something to move towards together will strengthen your bond.

    Quality Time and Romance: Nurturing Intimacy

    In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it’s essential to prioritize quality time together. Setting aside dedicated moments for each other builds intimacy and keeps your romance alive. Things like regular date nights, small gestures of affection, and expressing love verbally can go a long way in maintaining the spark in the relationship.

    Humility: Trust in God

    Accepting when you’re wrong, apologizing when necessary, and learning to trust in God’s direction for your marriage will be the cornerstone of your relationship. Having biblical humility is ultimately surrendering to the Lord instead of to your own flesh. His desire for your marriage is far better than your own, and when you surrender to trusting His ways instead of yours, your marriage will surely be blessed.

    Ultimately, building a strong marriage is a journey that requires commitment, patience, and continuous effort from both of you. It is about having open communication, trust, and emotional support while navigating life’s challenges together. Remember that no marriage is perfect, and conflicts will arise. However, by seeking the Lord and following His commands for marriage, you will have a deep and lasting connection that will stand the test of time.

    If you want another essential ingredient to a strong marriage, add in prayer.

    Check out our free 30-day Praying for Your Husband and Praying for Your Wife challenge

     

    How Communication Impacts Your Marriage

    When we were a few years into being married, we had many fights. Practically zero new material was fought over, but instead, we fought about the same issues repeatedly. 

    Here’s the deal, we’ve been doing this marriage counseling thing long enough to know that we were not the first couple who kept getting caught in fight cycles, and we certainly weren’t the last.

    You may not be aware of this, but much of the fighting you might be doing likely has its roots in poor communication. Because of its prevalence, we want to share some of the most common issues that make communication ineffective. 

    Speaking before thinking

    This one can work both ways. Sometimes we start a conversation out of anger or frustration before thinking about what we want to say. We jump the gun and go directly into criticism, putting our spouse immediately on the defensive. Other times, we lash out because of something said to us before pausing and responding appropriately. 

    A simple trick to overcome this is by training yourself to hit the pause button the moment you feel that blood starting to boil from frustration. While pausing, ask yourself what you want your spouse to know, hear, or understand. When you have your answer and feel calm enough to articulate it, move forward. If you need time to gather your thoughts, ask for it by saying, “I don’t want to respond the wrong way, so I need a little time to process this.” 

    Not listening to one another 

    Scientific research has shown that we only listen to about a third of what’s being said, while we spend two-thirds thinking of our response. To make matters worse, it also tells us that we can only recall about 20% of what we hear. This is a recipe for disaster in a marriage. But it’s also a call for grace because you’ll both be bad at listening if you’re not intentional. 

    All of this should tell you that if you want your spouse to feel heard, especially since most of us tend to get repetitive, louder, and angrier when we’re not, you will have to start listening on purpose. The second your spouse feels you’ve heard them is when they will know you’re on the road to resolution, which will speed it up instead of slow it down with needless loud repetitions. 

    Some simple tips for listening well are putting your phones down and setting distractions aside, making eye contact, and paraphrasing and repeating what you’ve heard.

    As for the last two communication faux pas, we will group them together, hearing what’s not being said and not clarifying. All too often, we react to our assumptions more than we react to what is truly being said, and when that happens, we take it one step further and fail to clarify if what we’ve heard is actually what was meant. 

    This can be where, “Can you put your cup in the dishwasher?” turns into, “You are messy and never do anything around the house!” or maybe a “Fine.” response to a “How do I look?” turns into an extra half hours’ worth of outfit changes. 

    Here’s a quick tip to resolve that issue; if a response is over the top or different than you expected, that’s a big clue that your spouse has misunderstood what you’re trying to say. If this is the case, ask them directly what they heard you say or thought you meant by what you said. This provides an opportunity to clarify and get back on track.

    Good communication will always involve a lot of remaining calm, good listening, and clarity….oh, and much grace!

    And don’t forget, if this is a big issue for your marriage and you don’t have the time or resources for counseling, don’t forget we have our How to L.O.V.E. Your Way Through Conflict course, where we expand on this topic and a lot more! Don’t forget to get your extra 10% off as a subscriber by using code EXPEDITION!

    I recently read a quote from Lysa Terkeurst: “When a boundary is violated, bad behavior will be validated.” This could not be more true, but unfortunately, many people have difficulty setting boundaries, much less enforcing them. 

    Boundaries are not ways to control other people. They are tools you use to give people choices about how and if they will be in a relationship with you.  A boundary is a personal guideline that tells others what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. There’s no control, gaslighting, or manipulation in a healthy boundary. It’s simply a guideline that says, “If you want to be in a healthy relationship with me, this is what’s ok and what isn’t.”

    Boundaries are essential in all your relationships, but most definitely in your marriage. There are three areas in your marriage where you need boundaries if you want your marriage to be healthy and thriving. Placing healthy boundaries in these areas lets others know you value what you protect, whether it be your spouse, yourself, or your marriage. After all, if you don’t value it, others won’t either. 

    The first area where boundaries are a must is in-law relationships.

    These are the people whom you leave and cleave from. Most of your life was spent obeying your parents and doing what they said, but those rules no longer apply once you get married.  If you come from a healthy, Godly home, this leaving and cleaving will be encouraged, but that isn’t the case if you’re like most adults. 

    Transitioning from obedience to honoring your parents can be challenging, but if you want a healthy marriage, you must choose the side of your spouse and not your parents.  This means that you begin to make decisions based on what you want as a couple instead of what your parents want for you. It may mean not traveling on holidays or not fulfilling every family tradition you once had if it no longer suits you as a couple. 

    It may also mean you must intervene if your parents have a problem with your spouse. It is up to you to place a boundary and advocate for your spouse instead of asking them to tolerate behavior that isn’t okay. Want more on this topic? Check out Boundaries with the In-Laws. 

    The second area of important boundaries is the protection of your marriage.

    Having guidelines that say what’s good for your marriage and what isn’t is critical. Boundaries protecting your marriage may look like having no friends of the opposite sex, shared passwords on your phones, or never being alone with the opposite sex, even if it’s a work event carpool. These seem trivial but could easily become catalysts for dissolving your marriage. The more slippery slopes you can plan against, the better. They are also great acts of love for one another. Placing a boundary around your marriage lets your spouse know you value your relationship no matter the cost.  

    Lastly, there will be days when marriage gets hard, and the need may arise to place boundaries against one another. It’s important not to allow a spouse ever to demean you, speak poorly to you, or do any act or behavior that is unacceptable to you. These types of behaviors will only get worse without proper boundaries and follow-through. Remember, when a boundary is violated, bad behavior will be validated. 

    Protecting your marriage with boundaries is what will set it up for success. When you value yourself and your marriage, you require that others do too. Others will always try to sabotage your life and your marriage, but you ultimately are the one who gets to decide if they do.

    When it comes to conflict in my marriage, I will be honest and tell you that our first several years of marriage were rough. My sweet husband was very conflict-avoidant and felt like every argument was the beginning of the end. I, on the other hand, was the exact opposite. I had no problem running head-on into conflict and was known to start much of it. 

    For him, conflict meant there was a problem for him to fix or peace he needed to restore at all costs. For me, conflict was way more normal than it should be. Conflict meant to defend yourself at all costs. 

    As a result, his go-to strategy was to avoid it. After all, as far as he was concerned, conflict was terrible. If he had to bend over backward for me, keep his feelings, thoughts, and opinions to himself, then so be it. The problem with this was that things never got resolved. He lost his voice and therefore grew resentment towards me, and he fed the right fighting, defensive monster in me too. 

    My go-to strategy was a whole lot of yelling and right fighting. I took even the slightest disagreements as a threat. I would yell to be heard and stop at nothing to prove my rightness to him. 

    Ultimately, we were both trying to stay safe, and we had entirely different methods to do so. Worst of all, neither of our conflict strategy methods worked! They set us backward instead of moving us forward to healing and repair. 

    When you seek to avoid conflict, you must make yourself smaller. You lose your voice, respect, and the opportunity to grow personally and heal the problems in your marriage. This isn’t good because your opinions and thoughts matter. They are meant to be expressed and to help your spouse grow too. 

    When you live your life as a ticking time bomb, that’s miserable too. I thought I could only be heard if I was yelling. But the truth was, that was when I was listened to the least! My yelling pushed my husband away, and it also caused me to feel helpless and hopeless, and I lived with the shame of losing my temper all the time. 

    While our relationship sounds extreme, I’m here to tell you, as Christian Marriage Counselors; we see A LOT of these couples. We were way more societally normal back then than we are today.

    Our early marriage may have been tough, but it isn’t today. There are much better ways to have conflict. You also want occasional conflict because it is good for your marriage, you just want to have it the healthy way instead!

    What works best for us is something we want to share with you too. It’s what we call the L.O.V.E Conflict strategy. You can find out more and let us walk you through it by clicking this link to our L.O.V.E. Your Way Through Conflict course. 

    Feel free to use discount code EXPEDITION for 10% off. Let us help you change the way you have conflict today!